What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers - in- law.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

The best things to do at a job interview at Kelly's if you don't want the job.
• After every question, pause for several minutes looking like you are thinking very hard and then say "I'm sorry, did you say something?"
• Dress extremely neat, in your best suit, put a nice dollop of mustard on your left shoulder, and then keep asking the interviewer "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" while pretending nothing is wrong
• Rub your temples and go "ohhh.... The voices.... They won't stop..."
• Lie about everything
• If the phone rings, answer it and say "I'll be right there!" and run out the door.
•.If they offer you coffee, take it. Speak to it Make warm, cooing, gurgly noises as you drink it.
• Rap all your answers.
• Impress the interviewer with your ability to answer all questions in pig Latin.
• Discuss answers with imaginary friends. Argue with them. Have them vote on issues. Stomp out of the room and leave them there with the interviewer.
• Between answers, talk beneath your breath. Mumble nasty, rude, violent sounding things .If they ask if anything is wrong, smile and say "no no no .." Then do it again.
• Stare at the ceiling during the entire interview. When the interviewer looks up say "Made ya look!" or "Don't bother, there are 86 ceiling tiles, I already counted." or "Are you making fun of me?!?! I have a neck condition!"

Your Mama...
1. Your mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book
2. Your mama's so fat, her pictures are taken by satellite
3. Your mama's so stupid, she called information to get the number to 911
4. Your mama's so stupid, she asked her boss how to spell UPS
5. Your mama's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds
6. Your mama's so fat, that when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon, they're flats
7. Your mama's so stupid, she couldn't find eleven when trying to dial 911
8. Your mama's so fat, she bumps into people even when she's sitting down
9. Your Mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles cars slow down

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it just seems that way.

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?"

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Having Alzheimer's really isn't so bad, ya know. I can think of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book, second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can hide your own Easter eggs.

A Millionaire is dying, he calls his 3 closest friends to his bedside. "I know they say you can't take it with you when you go, but I want to try." He said, "I'm going to give you $1 Million apiece, if you will place it in my coffin at my funeral." They agreed, and at his funeral, they all placed envelopes in the casket. 2 Months pass, and they meet for lunch. One friend says "I have a confession, I only put $200,000 in the envelope". Another friend says "Yeah, I only put in $300,000." The third says "I'm SO disappointed! He was our friend! How could you do this? ... My envelope contained a check for $1,000,000".

World's Dumbest People

1. [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

2. [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

3. [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

4. [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple
of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" 'Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Blonde Jokes

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama's so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.Yo mama's so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
Yo mama's so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Mins
Yo mama's so stupid she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levis?"
Yo mama's so stupid she studied for blood test & failed.
Yo mama's so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo mama's so stupid when Yo dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama's so fat her belly button's got an echo.
Yo mama's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo mama's so fat every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama's so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama's so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama's so ugly had to get her baby drunk just so she could breastfeed.
Yo mama's so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train
Yo mama's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
.Yo mama's so poor your tv got 2 channels: on and off
Yo mama's so poor, she married young just to get the rice!
Yo mama's so poor, when Yo family watches TV, they go to Sears.
Yo mama's so poor, Yo family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama's so old she knew the Beatles when they were the New Kids on the Block
Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama's so old when god said "let there be light" she was there to flick the switch
Yo mama's so old when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing
Yo mama's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A CROOKED POLITICIAN AND A CROOKED LAWYER? CHELSEA.

If a man speaks in the forest, & there is no woman there to hear him, is he STILL wrong?

OK IF 7-ELEVEN IS OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND 24 HOURS A DAY AND 365 DAYS A YEAR ....THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE LOCKS ON THEIR DOORS???

I KNEW A BLONDE THAT WAS SO DITZY...
-she called me to get my phone number.
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up
her mind.
-she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
-she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-she tried to drown a fish.
-she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
-if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
-they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
-under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
-she tripped over a cordless phone.
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"
she put "Sagittarius."
-if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
-she studied for a blood test.
-she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
-she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
-she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
-she sold the car for gas money.
-when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went
home and got 16 friends.
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
-she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

When the young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayer,
he realized he didn't have his head covered... so he asked his little
brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his
hand. The father said, "This is important... put your hand back on his
head!" To which the little boy exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash
lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a
tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.
The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer."
The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into
the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The
Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd
also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner."
The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the
jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and
drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want
you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."
The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive
the same reply.
The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and
kicks him as hard as he can.
With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of
the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had
that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"
The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for reacting to insufficient provocation!"